Who Am I?
If I asked you who you are, what would you say? Would you say you are an American, an Italian, or a Spaniard? Would you tell me you had kids or grandkids? Would you tell me you were a doctor, an engineer or a programmer?
I’ve lived abroad for almost 10 months now. Before moving to Spain for an undetermined amount of time, I wouldn’t have even thought about telling you I was American. I lived in America and most of the people I knew were American. We all spoke English and some of us dabbled in other languages.
I have to admit, I took being American for granted. It wasn’t anything I had to explain or talk about. But living in Spain, I am different. I don't meet many Americans in daily life.
We purposely immersed ourself in the culture. It's been hard, lonely and vulnerable. Even though we have done our best to learn the language, we are not able to communicate as effectively as we are used to back home. I’ve felt like a toddler again, learning one word at a time and short phrases as they come.
Language immersion is hard.
Beyond Language
I took a two-week refresher on basic Spanish when I first got here. It was weird because I was the only American in the class. Most people were from Germany, England or Italy. Just the other day someone at a conference pegged me for an American just by the way I spoke English. I was impressed. And then wondered, “Wait, do we speak English that distinctly?” I asked her, she laughed, and said yes.
This was yet another learning experience for me. I have learned so much about myself here. I naively thought that my move to Spain would be an experience of a place, not a person. And I certainly didn't think the person would be me.
I've always belived that I am who I am no matter where I go.
I've told my kids on numerous occasions, “Remember, wherever you go, you always take yourself with you.” But I am not sure this is the case anymore. I think there is always a new self, (or old self), to discover when you move your old fish-y self to another pond.
The question is, will you allow yourself to be open-minded about who you are? Can you get to know another version of yourself?
Who Am I Today?
I like to ask myself "Who am I?" on a regular basis. I like doing this because it reminds me to notice how I am feeling or dealing with a new situation. It helps me go second position to myself and learn more about what I really like, what I don’t like and how I actually interact with people.
Years ago someone told me that you could live life in meditation and meditate in life. I thought that was one of the strangest things I’d ever heard. Being curious, I started pondering what that might be like, to be a meditator on and off the cushion.
My first experience with observing and wrestling with this idea took place during a language immersion course. Without my language, I found myself incapable of explaining who I was and how I lived my life to people from different countries. I was scared, angry and very disoriented. I quit in the middle of the experience (for an evening) and went back to speaking English. I cried. I laughed at myself. It was my first realization that I had a story to tell (about me) and needed my “home language” to ‘splain myself.
I didn’t know it back then but that 10-day experience prepared me to live in Spain. During that experience, I learned how to meditate in life, to observe and allow situations to arise. I learned that I am not my story, and quite honestly, that no one cared about the version of me I stored in my head.
Old and New
Which brings us back to the question at hand. Who are you? Right now, who would you say you are? I would say I am an American living in Spain. I would also say that I am beginning to identify as a global citizen. In fact, I like this emerging identity better because it feels more like truth. People are people every where.
As I meet more and more people from different countries, I am learning we are all the same. I am also learning that our culture is very important to our identity, and how we see the world is very much an extension of what we’ve been exposed to and how we’ve been raised.
This is neat because by living abroad I am finding more facets of myself. I love the facets that have been carved and polished by my American upbringing and, at the same time, I enjoy being a free electron bouncing around and interacting with people from other parts of the world, getting to know me.
Through Another's Eyes
The most interesting part of this experience has been how people perceive my culture. Many have hesitantly asked me about my culture and observations they’ve made while visiting the U.S. One of my favorite observations has to do with passports. People can’t believe we aren’t issued passports from birth. I tell them I never thought about having one and perhaps, like me, most people dream about visiting all 50 states, which in itself can take an entire lifetime to accomplish.
These conversations have been the most eye opening because they move me into second position and I get to see what they see. And, it works the other way, too.
Another Language, Another Soul
I read a quote the other day about language. It said something like "the man who learns another language gains another soul". As I continue to study and speak more Spanish, that makes sense to me. As I struggle to learn the language, different thought processes come up.
I've had some practice with this soul emergence. In 2014, I took on Esperanto as a second language. My immersion experience unexpectedly opened me up to a more extroverted, adventuress side of me. I was changed for ever. In fact, that course was the first global experience I ever had.
Speaking with people from Tawaiin and Japan and other countries using only beginner Esperanto ignited something in me. And a new facet emerged, I call her the world traveler, and I bet you the seed for moving abroad was planted at that time.
Continued Emergence
So who knows who I will be next year, right? For now, I will live in Spain and continue observing who I am.
Before I go, I’ll share what I’ve learned about myself so far:
- I am an extrovert, really and truly. All my life I identified with being introverted. Nope.
- I am the most flexible I’ve ever been. Wavy lines or no line at all? No problem. Bikes, pedestrians and cars all on the same narrow street without "slower traffic keep right". Sure. Bring it on.
- I feel fortunate to be an American. Living abroad has made me appreciate my nationality. I love sharing my culture with others as much as I enjoy learning about theirs.
I’m sure there will be more insights as I become more fluent in Spanish and, perhaps, learn Catalan, (hey, why not?). You can't have too many souls, right?
Language. The gateway drug to the soul.